The shadows


Lights out. It isn’t the darkness that we truly fear, but the lights that keep flickering. Hope, coming in and then fading out so easily. The void of dreams sinking deep, beyond the abyss of reality. A dark day comes and the hope of seeing the sunlight, to bathe in its heat and feel the warmth on your cold fingertips and skin…

But it does not. It gets colder and darker by time, creeping back to the shadows. This is where redemption starts. A mere reflection of the darkness within.



This is for you..

A Writer in Disguise.


– You, who walk on the street with your chin up high,
Pride, possession, with a little rage in your eyes.

– You, don’t let them come near,
Showing the world you don’t need anyone and have no fear .

– All these people, who see you being so strong,
They admire you being the rock solid, “you don’t need anyone”
Oh thats so wrong.

– Being so strong is the only thing you’ve ever known,
You’ve been doing all this on your own.

– So what happens to that invincibility, once you crawl into bed at night?
Where does all that courage go and why do you shiver with fright

– why do you need someone to be there in your blues?
You’d be a mess like THIS. No one has the clue.

– Please, dear soul. Don’t be so hard on yourself.
Scream. Cry. Let it out. Once…

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Sometimes When I Open My Mouth My MOTHER comes out! #ProudToBeMyMum

A Writer in Disguise.

“To the Woman who showed me how to be an independent and strong  woman.”

You are the woman who gave life to me, the woman who brought me into this World, the woman who raised me, nurtured me, fed me, taught me and disciplined the hell out of me when I got out of line (more often than not).

“And I realized, when you look at your mother, you are looking at the purest love you will ever know.”

My mother is something if I start writing about, I know for a fact that I’ll never stop. I can talk about her 24/7, 365 days straight. And believe me I CAN and never get tired.  *Shrugs*  She is like that!!!

She is that one person who could get me through anything whether it was good or bad. She gives me the strength to speak my mind, and the courage to face anything head on…

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Leaving it all behind

The cheers and chatters slowly died as he walked away from the wedding hall, towards the beautiful beach. They were replaced by the waves roaring, hitting on the cliffs and this was where he found inner peace, where he could feel every single emotion running high, with each element of the beach roaring in acceptance. Time flew by and the sky slowly turned into a bleeding shade of dusk, which was soon followed by the sounds of footsteps. He didn’t move a muscle.

“Sorry I missed the ceremony…”
“Your sister..?” he asked, without turning his head
“Yeah” she said in a slow voice as she nodded her head in approval.

“There was a time when I thought this was my fault. That I had brought this darkness upon us. Now I know it is not my fault.”, he said.

“It is my responsibility.” he said after a pause.

“Responsibility to do what?”

“To end it.” he said after taking a deep breath.
“I’m going to leave the city.”

“But that is not the last option you ha…”

“It doesn’t matter.” he said. “It doesn’t matter anymore. What matters now is that neither of us were strong enough to hold on to each other.”

She walked closer to him as she whispered:
“Is there anything that I can do for you?”

“I just want be left alone.”

She wanted to say something but just managed with “Good.” and left.

He walked a few paces ahead and bent down, hot tears streaming down his face as he carved a name on the beach sand. He stood up, not taking his eyes out of the carving…It was her name.

This was the name of the only girl he had loved his entire life.

Times change

Things were so different and I was so cheery. Felt alive and my heart used to burst with happiness. And it did. For real. It emptied every fragment of joy and happiness that I had within. I started doing things that I wouldn’t even think about doing. Standing at the highest peak in the country, with cold winds freezing the soul within, I stood there in the dark silence, alone. I would end up at cliffs and the roar of the waves would describe how I was in constant battle mode with myself. And somehow, after all this time, I started falling for the darkness. All this time, in the light, with people around me…I wanted some time alone in the darkness.
The idea of eating alone on a table seems pretty absurd to many. But I did it, with no feeling in my heart. Not as a subject of pity, but that’s what I had to be always, alone. I chose the darkness and the silence over the abandoning and illusions created by the lights. I chose to stick with the demons, not to rise above them.

The world and its expectations

As tired and irritated anyone would be after a day’s hard work and facing so many people and what could possibly be a very bad day, I entered home and greeted my family politely, straight away going for a shower. I needed silence, some time to clear my head so that I could spend the rest of the day with them, happy.

And yet, it isn’t wrong if I demand my personal space. When I want to be all alone, in the dark and the silence. However, I could hear them all.

“Zyada dimaagh tou nahi kharaab hogaya iska?”

“Sarr pe charh gayi hai iskay koi.”
“Laazim kisi larki ne iskay dimaagh pe ghera liya hua hai.”

Little did they know that I was facing a hell lot. No.
I wasn’t out of my mind.
Nobody’s on my mind.
And I wasn’t involved with any one.

They mention her name. Names. Names that come back to kill me on the inside. They throw me back to the paths of my past and they expect me to smile and be all cheery about it.
The days are pretty rough and at this hour of stress, I would need a helping hand. A support system or even a lap where I could rest my head and forget about the things that occupy my mind as it poisons my head.

The world is expecting me to create a larger entity, a universe out of my path.

The Riverside Reflection

It was all said and done, it was all over. It felt like he had lost a part of himself with everything. The people around him pointed out the fact that he was an entirely different person now, with this huge change. He devoted his entire time and energy to work and succeeding, slowly becoming sleep deprived. With his sleep, he also lost his appetite. All of these are worldly desires, he thought. Sleep, food, needs. And that one thing that truly eluded him…that he wanted the most in his life.

“I’m sorry. But this is over.”

The words were as impactful as they were, the first time they hit his ears. Even worse, there was nothing that could be done about that now.

Everything was perfect. They were engaged, the family was happy and they were preparing for the wedding ceremony. A slight disagreement between the women of the two sides led to this.. Their engagement was called off.

The desire to fight for it worsened when he had to pick sides, with the latter’s mother being on the other end. Torn and squeezed between the barriers of family and a future family, the hard choice had to be taken.

The house was empty, of course. It had to be and it will be empty, for him. It was his hard work, combined in one. What would’ve been a home for everyone that he loved and cared about. It was standing there, large in stature but quite tiny in his heart. It meant nothing to him now, following the aftermath of his engagement being called off. He shut the door behind him and looked at it one last time before glancing at the riverside. His reflection rippled into sight as he bent and was surrounded by thoughts and voice overs.

“I have worked hard all my life to raise you.”

“I still get proposals. My father can find me a worthy and suitable husband.”

“It is your own family that comes first, she isn’t your family yet. Why are you bothered?”

“So you’re not getting married?”

“You’re an amazing human being.”

“You were never like this before. And this is you before you’re even getting married.”

“I didn’t have a choice when I got married. You don’t have one too.”

“I can’t imagine what you’d be after you’ll get married.”

“How could you forget your mother and your sister? The ones that helped raise you.”

“If you aren’t listening to your fiancée right now, what makes me think that I’m going to be a happy wife?”

These thoughts and questions alike, ripped through his brain. This was an emotional storm, an emotional disaster.

The house was on sale. It was pointless for that house to exist in his lifetime if his family wasn’t there. His reflection looked back at him and all he could see was a different person. How one bad hour changes a person, forever. He had been in the darkness before, but that was with rays and beacons of hope, exposed. This right here, was the true darkness. A black hole. A never ending entity of misery.

The sky darkened infront of his very eyes, in a matter of seconds. No. He was lost in thought and transition. The cloud created in his head had taken his sights away from the obvious…

He shut the book as he could feel the sensation hitting him and he rested his head. The journey felt longer than usual. He was returning home after 2 years.

Moments by moments…choices upon choices.

“You hardly find time to talk to me.”

“My work schedule is tough. Don’t worry, it’ll be fine in some time.”

“If this is your work schedule now, what about it in the future? When we are married?”

Little did everyone know that he was sacrificing it all. For a better future. He was sacrificing his sleep, his needs to ensure that the future remained fruitful. And yet, it wasn’t acknowledged. Nor appreciated. A six month engagement, down the drain.

“There is no future with you. There can never be.”

In the end, nothing mattered. Those sweet words. The appreciation. The caring nature. That future planning. The good time spent. The love shared. None of it.

Deadly Secrets

“Why did you say that?”

It all stopped, his surroundings blurred in and out as he was losing focus. He had entrusted them with his life’s biggest secret, his weakness. And yet, they exposed it to the people who’d use that secret to endure pain and mental torture upon him. The dead silence was suddenly killing every bit of him.

“But didn’t I keep your secrets? Close to my heart and soul? Dying on the inside but not even letting a word out that would give away your cover?”

I protected you like a shield, eliminating every route that would lead to the dearest information that could be used against you. That could be words of destruction. That would weaken your knees and you’d just give way and fall down to the floor…

He found himself walking out, with the roar of the waves bringing him back to his senses. The winds swept his unkept hair over and over to his face, slapping it. The air was cold, but so was his soul. He felt uncovered, exposed to the cold and harsh winds of the winter. The scars felt open and were bleeding, but had a cold exposure to it. Wincing in pain and dragging himself past the bushes full of thorns, his legs gave way as they lost the strength and his face hit the snow graced floor, tears streaming down his face. The cold snow killed his pain receptors and he felt numb.

No matter what happened, your secret was intact. Forget a secret….secrets and heaps of secrets…not even one had ever seen the light.
And yet, it just wasn’t enough. All these years, the role I played as a brotherly figure , as a guardian, fighting every form of darkness in your life and being by your side all the time, keeping your secrets close to my heart and not even letting a word slip out of my tongue, not for you.

Despite being the younger and the inexperienced one, he had to stand up as the man and act like one. Little did they know that one deadly secret was enough for him to be shattered and broken in the cruelest way, breaking him mentally and spiritually.
Finally his body felt the same. As his soul, his heart and his feelings.

The Mind and The Paradox

Lost in a paradox.

Walking past pavements, bristling past thorny fields, she was really determined about finding her way out of this dimension that she was trapped in. It was dark and cold, with the silent air touching her skin, giving her chills in the process.

“I’m not lost” she thought.

“You can get out of this.”
“It never mattered in the beginning.”
“That heart, have faith.”
“Don’t give in to the darkness.”
“You are a brave girl.”

A small ray of light was shining across the woods, illuminating a small portion of that side.

“It starts with that small passage. And then you follow it to get your way out.” said a familiar voice, in her head.

“If you get out of this, you will be an inspiration and symbol of hope for many.”

“They thrive on inspiration, they look around for hope. They need a chance at survival while being alive..”

She walked towards that beam and felt a presence around her. It grew stronger as she advanced, like it was stopping her from going to the light.

A dark claw appeared out of nowhere and caught her, pulling her away from the light.

“Not now. You belong here. You can never see the light, again.” it growled.

With her heart beating hard, she closed her eyes and continued walking ahead. The grip hardened as she could feel blood oozing from her left wrist. She kept on walking and praying, under her breath. It made one last attempt at the brink of the river….

“If it is worth giving in for the better good, why not?”

And then, it was gone. The blinding light destroyed it like a shadow and she didn’t open her eyes yet. She could feel the warmth radiating through her soul and she opened her eyes.

“Don’t let your past determine your future.”

It was a familiar sight, that beautiful hut decorated by the garden and the scent that was blossoming the air. Tears streaming down her face, she entered the hut and found her family there. She hugged them tight and she noticed that the blood on her hand had ceased …and the mark, was slowly fading away.

She was back into the light because of what she has in her heart, faith and acceptance. The darkness was never going to approach that strong girl.

Writing about her.

I was too busy listing out all the things that she had done that broke my heart, but I never listed out one of the many good things that she had done when she had left me, heartbroken.

The ability to express feelings when most fail to find the right words, the ability to draw ink out of the pen to the parchment, the smooth writing that turned blurry with the inclusion of tears and the handwriting gets shaky. The ability to describe how you really felt, doing justice for the words intended and the ability to relate to how others feel.

She, taught me how to write from the heart, not from the mind.